fuck what i wrote. fuck anything ive ever written.

so last night matt & i broke up. i'm almost positive i did most of it? yeah. but today was like hell. i thought since we fought so much & weren't happy at all that it'd be so easy to move on. omg was i wrong. even just seeing the back of him walking makes me cry. everything about him does. going to our locker & seeing a note saying i still <3 you.. i crumbled it up cause i was just not ready for any of that. first pd i got there early so i wouldn't have to face him walking in or anything. well that played out well.. 5 sec. later he walks in & uh. it was awkward. the only reason i was all smiles today was because i wanted him to miss that. i want him to miss me so much but i really don't think he does. he says he does but idk.. he doesn't usually hide how he feels when its about a girl. walking to class is so lonely. i miss my best friend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss everything. everyone doesn't stop asking questions. i hate it. from what i hear matt thinks i deserve this anguish. i probably do. i'm such a horrible person. idk what to even say about anything. i'm at such a loss for words. i almost wish i could do this whole relationship over. no i D0 wish i could. i know i would do things differently. but in ways that we would be so happy together & love eachother more & more everyday. i would give everything up for that boy.. & i will always love him. no matter what. i will always love him in the same way. he'll always be my first true love. i'm hoping one day he'll be my last.. & he'll be sitting next to me saying "baby, everything was worth it, just to be w* you again."

do you ever listen to music & every single song traces back to that one special person? whether or not you've ever heard it before.. just the lyrics.. they all trace back..

i STiLL L0VE HiM.

i hope & wish too much for my own good. i should stop.

well this is definately a first in a long lloonngg time. so much has changed since my last entry idk how long ago.

 im still in a relationship w* matthew =] one year & nearing six months. yay for that. we've had some extremely hard times but somehow we've gotten trhough it. im glad too.

i'm no longer best friends w* callie. but things are getting better i guess you could say. we talk from time to time & she's moving to hawaii at the end of summer. i'm planning my gift for her.

remember those two boys aaron & tyler? well. we don't talk at all. well, we did a few days ago. but we were all fighting? yeah its gay. i miss them though. i went through & read all my old comments on here & omg. i cried. i missed how much they cared about me. i miss their love & i miss them just in general. god they were great & im sure they still are..

i've gotten closer to God so yay for that. but its hard. sometimes i dont feel very religious & im scared people judge me at church. im scared my own boyfriend & his family does it too. but i know i love God & i dont have to prove it to anyone. He knows.

i dont know what else to write in this. ill probably write more like way later? who knows.

www.myspace.com/xxohsoinlove <-- i changed it up a bit. it almost looks like this xanga?

&hearts;

i got a MySpace everyone. check it out. i haven`t really done anything w* it though.

www.myspace.com/xxohsoinlove

go to it lol. i love Matthew!

<3 //  Britney

Bonjour. my last update was Thursday last week.. hm what have i done in the past few weeks? oh i remember.

Thursday: Watched Amittyville Horror at Callie`s& just chilled. went home& TRiED to sleep.

Friday: Walked around Belton w* Matt& just hung out all day. went back to his house to watch STAR WARS! ahah it was great. went home& slept.

Saturday: uh.. who cares.

Sunday: CHURCH! that`s all i remember.

Monday - Tuesday: um idk.

Wednesday: didn`t get to go to church. poo. but i went to an Underoath / Veda / Thrice / The Bled concert!! it was alot of fun lol but SOOO tiring. i fell down so much in those mosh pits lol yeah.. me? moshing? i know. weird. i saw Alexia there! i was like ahh!! i <3 her lol but yeah it was fun. then Nick Me Aaron& Tyler went to McDonalds then watched Wax House on the way home. Tyler like fell asleep lol& then i did too so we slept in the backseat lol then i went home& talked to Matthew. aww so tired. sleeep.

Thursday: i`m not entirely too sure.

Friday: went home w* Matthew& then went to see Harry Potter!! ahh it was SO good! lol i know i`m not a Harry Potter fan but hey, it was really good. then i went home.

Saturday: went to Matt`s last soccer game.. they lost.. then he came over& we went to Target!! ahh love. messed around there then went to Wendy`s for food& i slept all the way home.. which is like 10 minutes lol then we got home& Matt took care of me it was so cute. he like fed me& propped me up on pillows& helped me w* everything. it was so cute. then we looked at all my baby pictures& pictures of Vietnam& stuff. it was tiight. then he went home.

Sunday: i was still sick so i slept at Matt`s all day& so did Mother Schwindt lol& Matt took care of me once again.. so sweet. he gave me medicine& massages lol

Today: uh school was alright. tomorrow`s the last day then its almost Thanksgiving!! yay!! i saw this thing on the news about these two Nazi twin girls.. their like 13. their mom like taught them to be this way it`s so weird& crazii. they dance& sing around Nazi symbols& draw swastika`s at the beach& like are famous singers.. guess what they sing about? White Pride. oh yeah.. total Hitler-babies. CREEPY.

i Love Matthew Scott Schwindt! <3

<3 //  Britney